deep thoughts

11:38am: I sit in a comfortable chair in one of my coffee haunts, looking at the fire all the while having a mild case of the philosophy jedi moment of pure clarity. It's a combination of contentment mixed with a equal measure of unease. Just about perfect by my reckoning. Long ago I learned to accept the duality of the universe. My sympathy for my brothers and sisters who struggle to preserve the singularity in spite of the evidence is real. Life is a series of cycles, sometimes your up, sometimes you slide. Clarity comes and goes and all you can hope for is to maintain a tiny thread to it as you wade through the delusion.

Tuesday I will sell cars for a living. So be it. The tao has opened a door and I stepped through with relish. Occasionally, if I'm lucky, I can see the opportunities and take them. I'm getting better at it anyway.

Focus is lost to me today. My mind has too many places to frolic and I will let it have it's way. I can focus another day and besides, I'm curious to see where it leads. So far it has lead to past lovers, jobs, current events, and the fantasy world of the future. You can't make up shit this good. I will wallow in the chaos until it disappears and is replaced by grown up stuff.


Pax

1:34pm: With so much drama going on, I haven't had the time to write. In the last week or two, I have found out my son can lie while looking at me in the eye. At 16, smoking weed can fuck up a life for years to come. I also know that he just doesn't give a shit because he's cool and he's having fun. Colton doesn't feel the need to justify, just defy. Of course, the irony that I was doing the same crap or worse when I was 16, is worth mentioning, I suppose.

The daughters boyfriend with his misguided and tragically funny attempt at infidelity and the ex wife's manipulations bring out the holiday spirit in me. All the while, I started a new job, was only just released from agonizing poverty, along with car issues has made this an interesting couple of weeks. I managed to remain in my center and avoided getting a direct hit from the flying excrement.

Starting uphill after being at the bottom can be a daunting task for anyone. I've done it a few times and all it does is provide humor whenever I think of it. Bring it. Steer the boat, Bitch.

I watch the snow fall and have the contentment of realizing I can handle just about anything due in large part of the spiritual side of me. Something that wasn't there a few years ago. Gratitude lives in my heart and the only thing I truly fear is it's absence.

peace

7:02pm: More this weekend, I promise.

11:32am: I'm so broke that the next week will be very painful.

12:26pm: The show My 12 year old was in last night was pretty good. It was held in the Mega Evangelical Church that seats about eleventy billion people and has the huge TV screens so you can see the action. I sat in the second row and watched my baby girl sing. She looked at me from time to time and smiled as she sang. Earlier that day, I went to her school for an awards ceremony and again sat in the second row. I heard my ex wife from all the way out in the lobby and sure as shit, even though there were a hundred seats empty, she sat down right next to me. After an initial nasty condescending question about whether I was working or not, she settled down with a "you need to' comment. Some things never change. A brief joyous moment was killed just by her presence.

It was a little more than a year after our divorce when I happened to bump into one of her best friends at a New Years Eve party. As we conversed, I noticed she was looking at me kinda funny and I asked her what was wrong. She proceeded to tell me what the ex was telling everyone about me. After I assured her none of it was true, I had to suffer through the night with the knowledge that I was being slandered so maliciously, it was beyond comprehension. The next day I called a few other people and confirmed the truth. I was enraged, hurt, and confused along with a few other emotions I couldn't describe. Confronted, she denied everything and launched into a verbal attack that bordered on a psychotic frenzy. I lost a few friends I held dear, but I learned a valuable lesson. There would be no stopping the attacks and my kids were in the middle. I kept my distance from her and refused to engage.

Over the years I gradually became the excuse for everything and things quieted down. From time to time at special occasions, when I'm over at her house and am introduced to her friends, they look like people kissing a leper when I shake their hands. Once when I was over at her house watching the kids, I saw a paper she had prepared for her AA meeting. Everything that had been bad in her life for the last two decades was directly due to me. She once told my stepdaughter that I was the devil. Since my step daughter and I are best friends, it tends to drive her a tad bit insane.

It doesn't bother me any more and it probably should, but I reached the point that I don't care how other people feel about me anymore. I just wish she would sit on the other side of the room.

8:05pm: Goals moving again. It won't be easy.

4:57pm: Tired today. Going to meet Blaine for coffee and then pick up Shay from basketball practice. Where did all of my goals go? Time to get back on track.

11:03am: Yesterday, I drove to the Montana Rescue Mission Store to purchase a pair of work jeans. I walked in and walked over to the used books and picked up a book called The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. I forgot about the jeans and went to the coffee house and read the book straight through. It was like Christmas and all of the other holidays combined. It's in the top 5 of my favorite books read to date. I'm gonna read it again today.

9:40am: I'm feeling the urge to move in a direction. Any direction. Just in time, my soul has sent a gentle reminder that we've been static too long. The universe will provide the opportunity and all I have to do is take advantage. Of course, I have to be aware of the chance and seize the moment.

I also have a desire for a warm body to cuddle. So be it. I will focus attention and energy on my goal.

The last Little Guy game is today. The championship is at stake and the win could be in jeopardy due to the swine flu affecting about 8 kids on our team.

So I'm alone, down in a boiler pit and it's about 120 degrees and I'm trying to attach a pipe into a valve over my head. The satori hit me when I finally gave up due to bad threads on the pipe. I started to chuckle at the absurdity of my predicament. A man who wore a suit and tie for all of those years is in a pit, filthy and sweating, sore and exhausted, fighting every little pipe, and having a good time. The moral of the story? It's not what you do, but rather how you do it. The choice is ours, every second of our short life. I do not wallow in drama, nor do I have any expectations out of life. I believe in Karma and I believe in love. I believe we have to change and morph into a butterfly and never stop learning new things.

peace

4:47pm: She was looking at me like an Ethiopian and I was a Big Mac. Kinda scared me. I could tell she was thinking with a few modifications, I would do nicely. The only problem was, I've been there before and I don't modify well. Since I'm all grown up and have my big boy pants on, I just walked away. Another disaster avoided by common sense.

12:22pm: The day started out with the poster child feeling disenfranchised from the normal. It was different due to an absolute calm and contentment, which is not normal for us with the ADD. This fact alone was one to cause worry for a moment until I allowed it to manifest itself. In a sense, I woke up outside of the proverbial box. Worry turned into relishment and the desire to see what would happen next. Coffee with the Boss this morning was supposed to be a conclusion to a hypothetical offer but turned into nothing more than conversation. All in good time, I guess.

I guess you could say I am in a constant state of the Now. A few years ago, I would have been at unease and would start to drink immediately. Now, I just observe myself. So far, I'm good. I cracked open the TTC and read without expectation and it served to reaffirm that all is warm and fuzzy. It'll change; it always does.

I am starved for intelligent conversation. The exchange of what if's and the attacking of strongly held beliefs is necessary for me to spackle on a little more to the foundation. Getting laid would be tasty too. Something to work on.

May the wind be at your back...

9:08am: I must finish my one act today. So be it.

10:11am: Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. The secret that most of us fail to see is that it's all the same. Our perceptions differentiate the two. If we can stay in the center and just be, then we have something. Love you all.

12:00pm: It's high noon and I'm in a coffee shop. This may be the only thing I accomplish today; besides laundry. So be it. I will rest the body and exercise the mind. Tomorrow I will shovel snow.

10:45am: I find myself at a spiritual shortage today. The trilogy of mind, body, and spirit is a tad bit off balance. I'm sitting in a coffee house on a cold day, computer warm on my lap, looking for some inspiration and not finding any. This may be a day to surrender to the null and void and just be. The awareness of self imposed limitations reminds me of a horse being broken. I marvel at the process of taming a wild animal but cannot help but feel sad for the free spirit. The horse is punished and rewarded by a narrow set of rules in order to achieve the desired result. The feelings of the horse are not taken into consideration. After the horse is broke, it maintains it's new set of habits as the normal way. We all put harnesses on ourselves, binding our true nature to something we hope will give meaning and comfort. I sometimes wonder if we as humans give much thought to the price. The irony is that the horse doesn't have a choice.

I know some beautiful people who live their lives in fear. They hide behind religion, politics, relationships, addictions or some other set of comfortable rules to live by. They are willing to pay any cost for comfort and safety and can become very hostile if their beliefs are threatened. After a lot of deep internal observation, I cannot and will not judge them. Their chains are just more visible than mine, that's all. The honest observation if I remember it in my day to day is that I'm not better than anyone else. If I remain true to my Taoist beliefs, the opposite of that law is that I am no worse either. We all strive to some degree or another to separate ourselves from the herd in some form. Most of us take the easy way out and call ourselves superior to our fellow man and wallow in the smugness of that delusion. The truth as I see it is, we are our own cancer and we are killing ourselves slowly. The cure is truth. The cost is too high for most of us.

So I will turn my gaze to the spiritual side and see if I can bring it back in line with the rest of Scott. Looking inside is easier now and the forgiveness comes and covers me like a warm blanket until I venture out again.

Love and peace to all of you.

7:29am: onward, ever onward.

2:14pm: I must do laundry today. I also have to put gas in the car, eat, grocery shop, and take a shower. Instead of these pressing duties, I sit in an overcrowded coffee house writing in this journal. I smack my lips in contentment.

The weather is getting cold finally. I went to the Goodwill and bought a couple pair of jeans yesterday. Six and eight dollars later, I have work apparel.

Z is coming to have coffee with me to discuss her latest career fantasy. It should be good.

Peace and love

2:42pm: 4 more months. I think they like me. Shit, I mean come on, who wouldn't.

I loves you all. yes, you especially.

Guilty thoughts due to severe laziness today. The prognosis for a complete recovery is good.

2:42pm: 4 more months. I think they like me. Shit, I mean come on, who wouldn't.

I loves you all. Yes, you especially.

Guilty thoughts due to severe laziness today. The prognosis for a complete recovery is good.

11:48am: I'm hungry. It's not food I'm hungry for but something else. These moments come and go and they always seem to leave the taste of unfinished business in my soul. The longing for something that you don't have can be a good thing or a terrible thing, depending on your state of mind. You can turn it into a goal to reach for or you can you can make it an expectation un-met and whine and snivel as it consumes you. I prefer the former, thank you very much. You see, I'm getting tired of sleeping alone. I believe I'm ready to share and attempt to make something out of two instead of solo. What I'm not willing to do is settle. You may remove my gonads with a rusty razor, but I will not try to fit a square peg into a round whole, hoping against hope that everything will work out. To be continued...

I'm open today. Receptive. I need to write.

I'm very serious right now. Not my usual state. I'm observing my seriousness.

I went to a different coffee house this morning because I wasn't in the mood to be interrupted. There are two flies that have been bugging the shit out of me since I got here. The irony is not lost on me.

I shared chapter 8 of the TTC last night with a friend. We had been discussing her path in the last two years. Without breaking confidences, she is the sort of person who wonders aloud why life is so hard but is unwilling to take the initiative to do anything about it. She goes out 3-4 times a week and is stuck in a job where they take advantage of her at an ever increasing rate. A professional victim, so to speak. I mentioned to her that she could probably use a code or a set of personal rules to go by. She inquired about mine and I brought out my Brian Browne Walker verision and opened it up to Chapter 8. She didn't get it and got nervous. It's ok, I don't mind. I'll listen and continue to be her friend.

According to the weather forecasts, this will be the last summer like day for the foreseeable future. I should make the most of it. I may not due to my being serious.

Peace and love.

4:36pm: They gave me keys to the joint. What have I done. Well...I go to work with a positive attitude, give 100%, volunteer for shit jobs and am grateful for the job. It's a good crew, with some really hard working people who care about their contribution. They actually care.

There are some minor decisions to be made this weekend. I must start the play I've had in my head for two years. Thank the universe it's a one act.

To the person I insulted today, may I politely request that you blow me. Or take your meds. You choose. The drama isn't worth ball sweat and I refuse to engage. I'll be there for you when you really need me. Like always.

I need to get laid. I'm a little edgy.

peace

4:58pm: So they gave me another month. Excellent. I will celebrate with Ramen and PB sandwiches.


zen

7:26am: Fo shizzle my nizzle.

6:28pm: We are no better or no worse than anyone else. This is a fact. All of the wars, the atrocities, the hate, would go away if we as intelligent animals could get this simple truth.

I am a simple man. I choose to be this way. I gave up trying to be better than anyone else a few years ago. My life has never been better. By simple, I'm not saying I decided one day to be stupid, instead, I decided to be myself. There are many around me that don't get it. It's ok, I don't mind.

peace

9:27am: I haven't had the energy to write for a while. Working full time in a physically demanding job takes the desire out of you. I pause this morning at the coffee house to see what the hell is going on in my life. Routine, while good for the ADD Poster Child, can leave a bland taste in the mouth and right about now I'm feeling like beige. I would like to stretch in some way. I have the certainty of being let go next week and the certainty of nothing after that. I'm aware of it but not concerned. I have the certainty of running out of money before payday and, once again, am not concerned. I will go to a couple of little guy football games today and work on reinforcing the roof of where I'm staying at. The gist of it all is that I'm coasting again. Or am I content? Have I reached the peace with myself that I so desperatly wanted just a short time ago? Yup. I think so. It may be the echos of habit that keep me looking over my shoulder and my hand on the hilt.

A thought occurred to me that I may need a little romance. The chase, the hunt, the kill always seems to bring me out of the self imposed comfort zone. The last few have been duds in the simple truth that they didn't meet the criteria. Was I practicing? Fuck, who knows. I let the one or two go on the catch and release that I should have kept.

I'm in good shape albeit sore and tired. I'm trying to be a good boy and make others the priority. Karma points have been accumulating and I'm in the black. I'm full.

Peace and love.